so, yeah

Yesterday I was still doubting. Not just my trip to Panama, but my calling. But after wise counsel from 2 wise people, and some events that occurred last night, I am pretty certain it's just plain, old fashioned, spiritual attack. That won't stop me. It makes my life more difficult, but not impossible.

The last 6 months or so have been some of the best and worst of my life. I hate the weaknesses that have been revealed in me, but yet I'm faced with certain growth because of them. I am confident God is using this time to mold me into what He needs me to be.

missions

I found out today more specifics of our trip to Panama.. specifics that I don't exactly like :-)
Like getting up at 4 am and having to speak to a group of people I don't know, and do children's ministry, etc... which got me to thinking, why the heck am I going anyway? Why do I want to put myself so far outside my comfort zone into this primitive place to do things I don't really want to do? I don't get it. Why do I set myself up for pain and discomfort? And then get so excited about it?

I can be talking with someone and the topic of traveling to some insanely foreign country for a mission trip comes up and all of a sudden this thing comes over me and I involuntarily turn on this passion and enthusiasm that even I didn't know was there. When I get like that I could convince anyone to go anywhere! But why?? What compels me, and where does it come from?
It absolutely has to be a God thing, that's all I can figure.... What is it that's inside of me that He can use?

another favorite song

Music Video:
The Blowers Daughter by (Damien Rice)

Music Video Code by Video Code Zone

have I mentioned I love song lyrics

"All of the things that I want to say just aren't coming out right
I'm tripping on words
You've got my head spinning
I don't know where to go from here

Cause it's you and me and all of the people with nothing to do
Nothing to prove
And it's you and me and all other people
And I don't know why, I can't keep my eyes off of you"

ipod

My husband bought me a new red Ipod Nano for Valentines day! I'm so excited cause I have had my old Ipod mini since 2004 and I wore that baby out! I'm addicted to these things.... can't leave home without it.

yep

so yesterday I just needed a change - got a new haircut, the new red dress, a new black dress, a new attitude, a new resolve, and some attitude back... it's a good thing... can't keep a good woman down for long

the dress

Went to the mall tonight and found this fabulous strappy red dress to wear one night on the boat. You know ladies, the kind of dress where you FEEL drop dead gorgeous wearing it, and you get that attitude just putting it on. I love that feeling, even if it's all in my head :-)

cruise

Just 2 weeks till the love boat sets sail for Mexico! I'm starting to get excited. Grandparents are staying with the kids. Yay for close relatives!
The hot Mexico sun, beautiful beaches, no cooking, laundry, or errands, or work, just me and my husband sharing the LOVE for 5 wonderfully long days .... Plus there will be 25 other couples from Celebration...but probably won't see them much.. :-)

truth

Truth is a constant and is not variable according to your daily feelings. Your mood or emotional state does not dictate the truth. It is just an indicator of how you are going to HANDLE the truth on a given day.

getting up again

I have to stand up again. I have to check my motives and heart every step of the way to make sure I'm not seeking the approval of man, only trying to please the heart of God in using my gifts, talents and passions to do what I feel called to do. Who cares what anyone else thinks, my God has called me to such a time as this, and I won't apologize for who I am or what I have to do. Guard my heart Lord, help me build some walls around it so I don't become injured again or led astray. But walls not so tall or thick that my love and passion don't shine through.

?

I don't know what is going on. Ever feel like everywhere you go, you don't belong? I have struggled with this in the past, but thought I had conquered it. Until this last week. Situations, places, and people that I once felt at home in/with, I no longer feel a sense of belonging. It's like there's nowhere I can go to get away from it. Do you ever walk into a room and get the feeling that the people in it wish you hadn't shown up? Not a good feeling.

stressed

Okay that was a really long weekend. I feel like I could sleep for days.
I found out some hard truths about some people that I can't share, but it is really hurting my heart. It is amazing to me that every little decision you make can stick with you and come back to haunt you. Nothing is hidden. It is times like this that all you can do is get on your knees and beg for mercy and redemption. Only God can restore you to who he created you to be.
Peoples forgiveness may make you "feel" better, but only The Lord's can truly heal.

?

what would you do if you knew you could not fail?

better today

:-)
last night was rough-
today the world seems much brighter-
sometimes you gotta tough it out and do the right thing - especially when it's hard- forgive and forget- and move on- assume the best in people, not the worst - sometimes people will surprise you if you do that..

Also, you guys please pray for Josh, he has had the flu for a week now and he is still miserably sick.

3 : am

can't sleep. Ever wonder if everything you're doing is wrong? How did I get here? Ever feel like a complete screwup? How can relationships be so insanely complicated? Why is it I cannot seem to control my own mind? That's frightening to me. Who is in control of it then? Why am I doing what I'm doing right now, tomorrow, the next day?? Who am I anyway?
maybe I'm really just sleep-typing....