wednesday

Ok, so the anger and hate I feel now are just as useless as sadness. Hate is as much a passion as love. I must go for apathy.

just tuesday

..and then the sadness slowly began to give way to anger..

day 30

Why is it so hard to let go? We see the future ahead, and even though it is certainly an unknown, we know it has to be ok cause God is there. So we see ahead and yet our heart continues to look back. Why is it so slow to cooperate with our heads? Why does it seem to always believe the opposite of my mind? Why is my body in conflict with itself? And if my mind is the one in control, why doesn't the heart fall into place?
I saw an interview of some musicians the other day and they were asked what the secret to success was. They all said follow your heart. Forget what your mind says, be crazy and go with your heart, and you can't go wrong. Is that not the exact opposite of every piece of advice I have been given?! That is also what got me into this mess. Are Christians the only ones with the "heart is deceitful" mentality? My own secular doctor didn't understand why I didn't just get a divorce and run off with the other guy. Of course Christianity itself is not really a "mental" philosophy. It's about faith and belief, which sounds much more like a heart led thing than a mental choice. So maybe your heart is really trustworthy as long as you are in Gods perfect will for your life? How do we know then when we've made it there? None of us are without sin, and we can't walk the perfect walk. Only Jesus did that.
I guess there is no real answer to the heart vs head thing. It's all a balance that I am constantly trying to figure out. Right now I am focused solely on NOT listening to my broken twisted heart and going with what I know to be true, and on doing the right thing for everyone involved. I know Satan used my heart to lead me astray and so that's just not a safe place for me right now. It will heal eventually and I will need it to fix my relationships and all the damage I have done in my path of destruction. It won't last long trailing behind my mind and body, twisting in the wind, it will eventually catch up and join the rest of me, moving forward.

Going to see a movie with a friend. Then to the Harris's for barbque and swimming. Friends are coming out of the woodwork..
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day 27

So ever since last week when I had this huge reminder of who God is and how we are here to serve Him, and not our happiness, I have been in the process of killing my SELF. Shileen as we knew her is gone. Dead. The perky, young naive idealist has left the planet. I have decided that my way only causes pain and suffering and disaster and destruction. So I quit. I let it all go and gave up. You know, the proverbial taking your hands off the wheel, only I went further than that and jumped out of the car and ran over myself.
Or so I thought.
You know how when your cup is full it only takes a little thing for it to run over?.. so there's a spot in out neighborhood where the speed limit changes from 40 to 30 and there was a cop right on the other side of that and of course i hadn't made it to 30 yet and got pulled over and received a ticket. I had to bite my tongue and say absolutely nothing to him because I thought if i opened my mouth i would end up in jail. I drove away and burst into tears. Clearly there is a little of self left. The fact that i am in pain(not because of the ticket) means there is still some self left. Apparently it's hard to kill your SELF without killing yourself. It's like there's a piece of my pride and a small piece of my heart struggling to hang on, and it won't let go. But I walk around in such a daze now that i think if you were to look me in the eye you wouldn't recognize me anymore.
When the dying to self part is done, I will only bring back the pieces of me that are useful to glorify God. He will have to raise up what he wants to. I'm not doing it.
He makes beauty from ashes and He will restore my soul.

day 26

Started my happy pills today, couldn't wait. Let's hope they work..
I have girls night out tonight, that should be fun. Then another whole day off again tomorrow. Hmm.. lunch date, maybe nails done, shopping, workout, endless possibilities. Saturday night I'm going to a concert at Hope Chapel with Josh and probably alot of old friends from college days. Speaking of concerts, can't wait until Toby Mac august 7th at Fiesta Texas. He works out with me 3x a week, so my heart rate will probably get real high seeing him in concert..

Day 25

So I haven't updated my blog for real in a long time for fear of what people might think or because not everyone knows what's going on in my life. But I'm done with that. It's my blog and I want to use it. Maybe it will help someone out there with struggles knowing they aren't alone.

This is the worst season of my entire life right now. And I feel like, other than family, pastors, and counselors, most all of my "friends" have disappeared. How do u claim to care for someone and walk away when they need you the most?? They are fair weather friends, that's how. Guess it's good to learn who the true friends are. I haven't been to church in over a month and exactly ONE friend has called to check on me. And she already knows what's going on. So I guess everyone assumes I'm either dead or have run away, or they just don't care. Nice. It is a reality check. Maybe people think my problem is contagious..

They aren't my real beef though.


The person I am more upset with is me. For believing the lie. For risking it all for someone I thought loved me and who I thought I loved. Love isn't a fairytale. If u think you are in one you should be concerned. I used to consider myself a smart person until recently. How could I have been so blind? And continue to be? I discover more truth everyday and yet still miss the person who made promises he wouldn't keep and so quickly and easily walked away? Am I a complete fool? My counselor Rick calls it an addiction cycle. He's probably right. Even knowing it was probably all a lie doesn't make withdraw any easier. My life is forever changed by this.

(Someone asked me , what if his feelings were completely true and he never did lie to you? Does that change where we are today or the choices we made? No. Even if it was real emotion and relationship, that doesn't automatically make it good for you or the right thing for your life. I am not trying to defame anyone's character. He was being blinded as well and I'm sure there were some truths in his feelings. )

Thankfully my husband has the patience and faith of Job. He has remained by my side through it all and is showing me what unconditional love looks like even when it gets pretty ugly.

And I will be joining the growing population of people on antidepressants starting friday cause I can't seem to do this without help right now. I am not too proud to accept pharmaceutical assistance :-)

My God has not abandoned me and He WILL be glorified in the end.

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4th of july

random spring/summer pics

random sp/summer shots

some lost Africa pics i found on my old phone

wow

Just got home form Baltimore visiting the Vogels. Fun trip.
Today Michael Jackson died. And Farrah Fawcett.

Oh I forgot. Josh got a new job. :-) after 3 and a half months of being laid off. Long paid vacation :-)
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In the car on the way to Six Flags with 6 teens in tow. Guess what music they're listening to. Beatles. Who would think..
Something reminded me that I had a blog that I haven't updated in a while.
Sunday I'm flying to Baltimore to go visit Amy. Very excited about that..
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