hehe. got a new webcam. fun.

So Rick wants me to get back on meds. Wants me to try something else. Not sure how I feel about this. Something disconcerning about jacking with your brain and body chemistry. Seems better to me to just deal with the emotions you have. He says that I have healthier ones when I'm on drugs right now and that I make better choices. May be, but still, its just not natural. Which one is the real me? The one whose chemistry is jacked up and she's really moody? Or the chemically stable one on drugs?
And what causes ones body chemistry to get out of whack anyway? How could my situation have caused this? Doesn't make sense to me..
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I think I'm losing my mind. Going to see Rick, he will slap me back into reality.
"It's not about happiness, it's about holiness."
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"For the life of me I cannot remember
What made us think that we were wise and
We'd never compromise"

"Drink to all that we have lost
Mistakes we have made
Everything will change
But love remains the same"

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Going to dinner with Rene, then going to church for the first time in 6 weeks!
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Yikes

So yesterday afternoon I got in my car after lunch and my head kinda went all funky. Didn't think much of it cause I had been having a lot of dizzy spells lately. But then my brain kinda felt like I had plugged my finger into a light socket and I got real nauseated and had to go lay down in the back seat. I grabbed my phone on the way and called josh. Told him to pray fast cause I think I'm gonna pass out. Then my speech started to get funky and he immediately left work to come rescue me from this parking lot. By the time he got there I was very confused and couldn't talk right. I kept trying to talk to him on the way to the hospital but I couldn't get the words out that I wanted to. By the time we got to the ER I was kinda panicing cause I was scared, so my heart rate was elevated and I was shaking. So anyway josh carried me in and they took me back right away and assumed based on my youth that I was having a panic attack. I was so frustrated cause I still couldn't talk without stuttering so josh explained my symptoms prior to the panic but they blew him off. They did blood work and a CT scan but didn't find anything visible at that time. I seriously doubt he knew that a possible complication with my Wellbutrin I had begun 2 weeks ago is seizures. Anyway in the end he labeled it a pretty generic long name that could cover a lot of possibilities including mini stroke or mini seizure. But definitely medicine based. So he said quit taking the meds. Coming off antidepressants right now is going to be rough. I have to wean off so I'm not suicidal.
Josh won't let me drive today since he doesn't know what to expect. But that's ok cause right now he gets to go sit and watch me get my hair done :-)
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have i mentioned today that I'm an idiot?

So for the last week or so I have been living out just a fraction of what my husband and friends must have felt when my lies were discovered back in March. The anguishing betrayal, the pain, the rage, the hurt.. I guess it's only fitting that I would get to experience it too. "what goes around, comes around", "eye for an eye", etc..
All the little red flags that pop up, and you just blow them off, assuming the best about people. All the suspicions you were told were unfounded and brushed off. The little things that just never made sense.. Holes in stories that just didn't add up..
Only to discover the truth months later, and wanting to beat yourself up for not listening to those suspicions. The rage against the person who lied to you. Knowing the lies are continuing, only to someone else this time, and there's really nothing you can do about it. Revenge could consume your life. The embarrassment of everyone knowing you bought into it and believed it. Humiliation. Knowing I was too vulnerable.. Why would I expect a known liar to not lie to me?!
I really really believed it all. And almost lost my life because of it. That really scares me.

Why is the rage back today? It had turned into apathy over the weekend and I scarcely thought about it. But today I woke up and remembered another suspicion I had before, and I had the desire to try to go confirm it.. and that brought all these feelings to the front again. I could go confirm it right now if I wanted to. I know how and where. But it's just a ploy of Satan drawing me back in to it. He would rather me be consumed with hate, than to forget this person ever existed.
I realize you guys probably think my anger is hypocritical because of course I did this to my husband also. I'm not gonna argue with that one. It is what it is.

monday

Dentist, bank, shots, meeting with Karen, gym workout, then barbque at Smiths who are going back to Thailand tomorrow. Love busy days. I'm very excited to return to church Wednesday night. I haven't been in 6 weeks. Gonna be strange, but good.
My husband rocks. He's the most awesomest guy on the planet. So nice to be seeing clearly finally. Seems like it's been almost 2 years that I've been in a blinding fog. Have I mentioned that I was a complete idiot??

tired

Just got home from a 3 day emergency marriage seminar. I am wiped out. Can't remember the last time I was this physically exhausted. I want to go to sleep for days...
God is huge. in case you forgot.