Day 25

So I haven't updated my blog for real in a long time for fear of what people might think or because not everyone knows what's going on in my life. But I'm done with that. It's my blog and I want to use it. Maybe it will help someone out there with struggles knowing they aren't alone.

This is the worst season of my entire life right now. And I feel like, other than family, pastors, and counselors, most all of my "friends" have disappeared. How do u claim to care for someone and walk away when they need you the most?? They are fair weather friends, that's how. Guess it's good to learn who the true friends are. I haven't been to church in over a month and exactly ONE friend has called to check on me. And she already knows what's going on. So I guess everyone assumes I'm either dead or have run away, or they just don't care. Nice. It is a reality check. Maybe people think my problem is contagious..

They aren't my real beef though.


The person I am more upset with is me. For believing the lie. For risking it all for someone I thought loved me and who I thought I loved. Love isn't a fairytale. If u think you are in one you should be concerned. I used to consider myself a smart person until recently. How could I have been so blind? And continue to be? I discover more truth everyday and yet still miss the person who made promises he wouldn't keep and so quickly and easily walked away? Am I a complete fool? My counselor Rick calls it an addiction cycle. He's probably right. Even knowing it was probably all a lie doesn't make withdraw any easier. My life is forever changed by this.

(Someone asked me , what if his feelings were completely true and he never did lie to you? Does that change where we are today or the choices we made? No. Even if it was real emotion and relationship, that doesn't automatically make it good for you or the right thing for your life. I am not trying to defame anyone's character. He was being blinded as well and I'm sure there were some truths in his feelings. )

Thankfully my husband has the patience and faith of Job. He has remained by my side through it all and is showing me what unconditional love looks like even when it gets pretty ugly.

And I will be joining the growing population of people on antidepressants starting friday cause I can't seem to do this without help right now. I am not too proud to accept pharmaceutical assistance :-)

My God has not abandoned me and He WILL be glorified in the end.

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