Ok, so it's been a few days. Nothing major to report. I've been working on a 2-3 day contract job for René. Should be done tomorrow or Thursday. Had a sorta job meeting with Lifetouch that I walked out on. Ridiculous hours for ridiculous pay. And it was only about 5 months out of the year. 

A good friend recently started her job hunt and already has 2 interviews. Happy for her. Frustrated for me. 

I'm running camera 1 again in Classic this weekend. Hannah's singing in youth again tomorrow night. Jordan drove home from school today. Progress. 

Friends, neighbors, family, please pray for me. I'm becoming very discouraged. About not being able to get this stupid job we need, and then when I get it, leaving my kids all day. I don't know how everything is going to get done around here with their school and classes. But we really have no choice. I'm just sad. And frustrated.
So that's why I haven't been blogging. Don't ever want to be a downer. 

"28 And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."-Romans 8

good morning

Here's a pic of my photo in Charlie Bravo's ad in DUPONT..
not exactly my favorite pic of that day, and her dress was white before the art director photoshopped  it; but still cool..

And what exactly is my Mac trying to tell me in its super secretive, cryptic language?..Ooh Ooh, I know! I'm tired of job hunting, let's play!

maybe not..

cat

So since I mentioned our cat Miles yesterday, it's only fair that his brother Oscar gets a shout out right? Well he thought so, so he decided to impress us. Late last night after church and dinner, we walk into our room , and a certain someone is walking the highwire that is our poster bed! I assumed he had climbed up our bed spread that I had hung over the rail to finish drying, since he had never done this in the 8 years or so we've had this bed..

Well, turns out I was wrong. Because this morning, we discovered this..

So maybe it wasn't the blanket. Crazy cat. He just walks around it meowing. It's alot skinnier of a rail than he's used to, so it's rather impressive. His usual cat walk is the upstairs half wall that opens up to the downstairs. But at least it is like 6 inches wide. This is more like 1. 

I seem to have an obsession with dresses. I could probably count on one hand the number of times I've left the house not wearing one this summer. They're just so easy; and feminine. I adore them. Everything from flirty little sundresses, to long hippie maxi dresses, I love them all.

Why has customer service gotten so bad? I actually yelled at a computerized voice yesterday on the phone. She kept asking me what I was calling for and I kept telling her. But she replied with "I'm sorry, I don't understand, can you repeat that?" I lost my temper after the 4th or 5th time and screamed at her. She went silent. Now I know it was not a human, just a computer, but i just wanted to talk to a human. All the usual button tricks to get to an operator weren't working. After ignoring her questions long enough, she eventually transferred me to a human, who was no more helpful. I'm sorry but Bank of America customer service agents are not very bright. What should have been a very simple problem to fix has turned into a 2 day fiasco with no resolution yet. Josh is now on the case. I just need to be let back into my mortgage online account and I can fix all my own problems. But alas, they have locked me out cause they think THEY can fix it. But they can't because they are incompetent. I, however, know what needs to be done, if only I would be allowed to do such.  If we could only speak with ONE intelligent person over there, they would listen and understand. Sorry, my rant for the day..

I received a bunch more "I'm sorry, but we hired someone else" emails today. This could really shatter a weaker womans confidence.
Did you know that I'm a terrible procrastinator? I am currently looking at a clean pile of laundry that has been sitting there for about 2 days now. It's folded at least, but not put away. I work better under pressure. Such as, the boys are coming over tomorrow night, so I'll probably quickly clean the whole house 2 hours before, instead of today.

Do you know how creepy it is for your black cat to walk up, sit in front of you, and just stare at you with those slanty green eyes?? What ever is he thinking? Or plotting? Maybe he knows I am considering putting away the pile of laundry he likes to sleep on. Maybe this is a threat.
While I'm sitting here procrastinating, I can also see that we need a new family portrait. The one currently over the fireplace was from our Washington DC trip. It's us in front of the White House, while Bush was still there.
Ok, I'm gonna go put away that laundry now. I have guilt.

On a more positive note, I get to see my traveling Rene tonight. I have missed her.

tues

The kids started One Day Academy today. Already have tons of homework. Finally was able to find a place for Jordan to take the PSAT. That's a relief. Also found dates for her SAT and ACT. Gonna be alot of testing going on this year.
I have been scheduled to run camera in Classic svc again. Only this time I'm camera 1, and as of now there is no camera 2. No pressure. Guess I must have done well last week. It's way more different from still photography than I thought. Much higher stress atmosphere and constant change and motion. But I like it.
I sat for an hour or so today in Josh's office while waiting to
pick up the kids. (I was submitting more resumes on my laptop) Anyways, I overheard several conversations with his co workers, and let me tell you, THAT GUY is SMART!! I consider myself an intelligent woman, but I didn't understand half of what he was saying! It was rather impressive. Intelligence is always attractive. I would 1000 to 1 rather be friends with someone who is either brilliant or passionate about what they do. (Josh is both). Clueless, lukewarm, or flatline personalities are of no interest to me.
Neither are pessimists. I need positive people in my life. Friends who hold me up and push me to better myself. Those who, by their very presence, encourage greatness.
What I REALLY need... Is to go to bed. GN
Sent from my iPhone

These would fall into the category of want, but don't need

Sunday was pretty stinkin cool. Hannah did great in the adult services. I love the pic above with her and her daddy.
I had fun running motion camera in Classic service, then still camera in the 12:00. And Jordan learned that being a 5 star is not for her. Too stressful and detail oriented. Not her thing.
Got alot of school clothes shopping done this weekend. Not that they need too much for 1-2 days of actual campus time.. Hannah bought some skinny jeans, they look really cute on her.
It's Monday, so what have I done all day? You guessed it, sent out resumes. Last week's candidate hasn't panned out, so I guess I was wrong. If I would have known how hard this was going to be I would have kept that awful bank job.
Every man is a damn fool for at least five minutes every day; wisdom consists in not exceeding the limit.
-Elbert Hubbard

And ever has it been known that love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation.  

-Khalil Gibran

.

"she's fine, most of the time
she takes her days with a smile
moves like a dancer in light
spinning around to the sound
But sometimes she falls down"

Lies kill. They eat you up from the inside and rob you of all peace. Because you know, your sin will always find you out. Trust me, I know from experience. Even if admitting to the truth will cause issues and problems, the end result is always better. You can handle it. God is always on the side of truth and will get you through it. Knowing you can come and fall down at the feet of your Savior and beg for mercy and grace with a clean heart is the ultimate comfort. Peace in your heart is worth it.

Just felt God tugging on my heart to say that today. You'll know if it's for you.

Sent from my iPhone

sorry, been busy. there's movement on the job front. stay tuned. kids are registered for One Day class, and Hannah formal piano lessons(even though she already plays). Jordan got invited to be a 5star at church(whatever that is). Hannah is singing in youth tonight. and as a backup singer in all adult services this weekend!. so proud. no time for structure or proper punctuation in blog post . something's wrong with my leg and hip, walking with a limp . my iphone was run over by Heathers Yukon, but it still works, I dropped it when I got out of it, but didn't realize till 5 minutes later after she left, still works, the buzzer is just crazy weird loud, had tire tracks on the red rubber case :) . gotta go order school books . don't forget me, I'll be back

What a long exhausting day. Started with an early photo shoot before church. Then Jordan wanted to stay for all the services to hang out with a certain someone before he went back to college. Very sad to see him go. Then this afternoon I taught myself how to change the backgrounds on a picture but with a minor problem. The guys hair let's through the other background because its not real dense. Problem for tomorrow cause then I had to go meet up with Rene and Jake and his new college roommate who is here visiting before they go check in to TCU Wednesday. We all went downtown to Austin Stone for the 7 o'clock service. (which was awesome) then had a late dinner and shopping trip at the Whole Foods on 6th, cause places down there are actually open late. Then yet another college goodbye. (3rd this week) So I just got home and my whole body hurts. Not sure why. I'm gonna crash now so I will be ready to take on the week, and get a job!

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Had a great family day today. Long lazy morning, then down to campus for lunch at BurgerTex. Then we went to the city wide garage sale at Palmer Events Center. Now THAT was cool. We found several super cheap, old pieces of luggage that we fell in love with, a few other gadgets, and then.... I looked down..and found it. THE SWORD. I have always wanted one. I picked it up and pulled it out of it's sheath, and lifted it up, and fell in love. I was scared to ask how much. But I did. He practically gave it to me because Josh was buying a leather overnight bag for like $15! New! We paid $25 total!! For a SWORD and a new leather carryon bag!!!!!!!!!! I don't know what that guy was smoking, but that was the deal of the century! This is not some cheap sword. It's like 4 feet long and very heavy. I'll take a picture tomorrow so you can see. I think he could tell how much I loved it and he maybe wanted it to go to a good home. It is now hanging on the wall in my dining room :) But not so high that I can't take it down and play with it..

Sent from my iPhone

I have to admit, the constant stream of pictures and videos coming out of Africa today has been difficult. Our pastors are there for the grand opening of our church in Xai Xai. Don't get me wrong, I'm thrilled it's finally happened, I just wish I was there. It is of some comfort that I got to be there for the beginning of the process, but I've been beating myself up pretty bad that I screwed up and didn't get to finish it. Oh how I wish I could go back and have a talk with my old self. What a discussion that would be.. Actually, a rational discussion probably wouldn't work, I'd probably have to beat her up, then lock her away and let the future me do the job right. She wasn't a rational being.
Anyways... While I'm sad, I'm also happy; a dream will come to pass this Sunday. Despite myself.
And then some time will pass and something else will replace that dream and vision. Something else God breathed, and it will be just as cool. And God willing, I will be able to accomplish it this time. I'll be ready, and more grounded in reality. Josh was telling me tonight that most note worthy men and women of God walk through a massive failure of their own making, before they ever do anything great.  I think maybe God allows it to humble us and knock us off our own pride pedestals. And maybe to realize that we're just not capable of doing it right ourselves. We need Him. Not just as a copilot, but as our complete guide. Like, I am not moving one foot in that direction, unless you are behind me, pushing me, kind of guide.. Yeah, that's what it's gonna take to get me going in missions again. I am just not interested if it is my own fleshly desires drawing me back. An open door won't draw me. Maybe an open door, the house is on fire, and Jesus himself is behind me kicking me in the butt. That might be what it takes.
Who knows, maybe I won't ever do that again. Maybe I'll get an 8-5 desk job and never leave the country again. I highly doubt it, but you never know. Eagles wings can be clipped. I just don't believe God would design me the way he did, knowing of my failure, and not give me a second chance. That's not my God. There are plenty of women out there who are content to stay home and never set foot in impoverished countries. They thrive in the suburbs! If I were meant for that, he wouldn't have given me this unsettled spirit. I'm not a maintainer, I'm a dreamer, a visionary. I see the world the way it ought to be, and I want to make it that way. Especially in Africa, it has captured my heart.
 I have seen how my personality can self destruct, and the limits it has, and now I know the areas of my weakness. And God has given me my helper, in my husband. He knows me, he knows my limits and he is my grounder. My reality. I won't rebel against him next time around, I've learned the hard way that I need him to succeed. He really is my other half.

Wow, what the heck was all this?!? Didn't intend for a long, self pep talk, guess I needed to express myself..
oh well, goodnight world, and all who dwell in it

So these crazy weird dreams have persisted all week. I haven't been sharing them because I'm afraid public admittance would get me a one way ticket to the looney bin. My mind is warped. It's been mostly the same cast of characters, with some odd ones thrown in the mix. I have given up trying to find meaning in them, they're just too darn random.
Making homemade lasagna for my boys tonight. Love these nights. It's probably one of Michael's last for a while, as he's about to head back to Baylor :(
I did the crazy dance this morning when I was all alone, and pulled something in my back. I must be getting old.

Risk

Hey you!, don't be afraid of failure. Sure, it's a possibility, but great success never comes without RISK. I've always been a big believer in not playing it safe. Yeah, I've failed pretty big too, but I'm still here and I've gotten to do some pretty amazing things.
It was nice to have my beliefs encouraged tonight. Thanks Mike Haman.
Sent from my iPhone

aww..

I just copied and pasted this from a facebook exchange between Hannah and Michael... awww. soo sweet. I love that young man..

Hannah Karnes :You're an awesome big brother Michael!! :) and by the way I burped right before I posted this and I never burp, like maybe twice a year haha so doesn't that make you feel special? Haha I am so weird but anyway hope you're doing great! :)

Michael Heath :LOL!! That's hilarious but I'll take it! And thanks. I'm so proud to know you and to be a part of your life (even if it's just for the summer lol). You're becoming an amazing woman of God and I know you're destined for something great. If you ever need anything just let me know and I'll be there, even if I have to drive down from Waco. I'll always be there for you and Jordan and any member of the Karnes family. :)

:)

Good news - Took my tests today and I'm still a decent speller and typist! Now we'll see if that matters..

:(

Tonight I sat and cried with a friend who just left her first daughter at college this morning. They will be living in separate countries! The thing she said that really got to me was that their family will never be the same. It is forever different now. That's so scary to think about. I don't envy her. 

I've got 2 years to figure out how to deal with that one..

Today has enough worries of its own. 

Everything seems so serious these days. The light hearted, fun nature of life seems to have vanished; for me anyway. Maybe I just finally had to grow up this year. But I sooo miss the joy and the hopefulness, and the dreams of my recently departed youth! Why did they have to go?

"..And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd
Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud
And I know that you'll use them, however you want to.."

Sent from my iPhone

Had lunch with my mama today. She rocks. Thank you for all your help :-)
Going to Hamilton pool tomorrow with Michael and the girls. Also trying to plan another short, little beach getaway before school starts in a few weeks. All the hotels are like half price once public school starts. This summer just flew by without time, or money really, for a vacation. I told them next summer will be different. Hawaii. If I'm working full time all year, then we should be able to pay for it :)
On Wednesday I'm going to go take my typing and spelling test for UT employment. I'm pretty sure I'll ace the spelling, but the typing? Not so much. I'm a 6 finger typist.
I've been having my very weird vivid dreams again this week. Last nights involved not being able to find Hannah in a mall hotel, and having to carry out all my laundry, piled up to my head, while looking for her. Then throwing it all in the car and sitting down on the sidewalk to watch a parade that occurred in the middle of the night. There were 2 floats that I saw, and both were two huge barns. Like 5 story giant barns, with the ends cut off so you could see every level and the people in them. The first one was full of Celebration families, the second one had David and his son. VERY weird. They stopped their barn to talk to me, and I got mad because I thought I was going to get in trouble. Then I woke up.
I wish I could remember the previous nights, but you know how they're gone like the minute you wake up if you don't tell someone? This morning I was deliberate about telling myself so I could try to remember. I will try tomorrow too.
gotta run

Been home with sick kids all weekend. Not feeling stellar myself.
Josh has been hanging out with a very troubled young man alot this weekend. Trying to give him hope and guidance and encouragement. It's so fresh for Josh, the whole bringing someone back from the edge of death and destruction thing. Now he gets to use our experiences to help someone else. It's so cool how God uses everything for His good.

On a completely different note, I'm about ready to throw my iPhone into the lake. The IOS 4 update on the 3G phone, is no bueno. It has become incredibly slow and buggy, and it's just no fun to use anymore. Apple is aware of the problem and better be working a solution. Downgrading back to 3 would be next to impossible without losing functionality of most apps. And I don't have an available upgrade till winter. Stupid ATT.
I HAVE to get a job this week. PLEASE join me in prayer for this. Either that or a large 5 digit check in the mail. The second is preferred, as I really don't want to leave my kids and retire my princess crown :)
Really though, I have been told that every job has literally hundreds of applicants, which explains the lack of responses. I think the only way I'm going to get a job is through a personal reference, so if you hear of anything, PLEASE let me know.

Much love to you all out there. Don't really know who most of you are, but I appreciate you checking up on me :) Have a great day!

Life is just too short to hold grudges. I am a very forgiving person. Is that bad? I guess I continually set myself up to be disappointed by people, but I just can't help myself. I can count on less than one hand how many people I would truly never speak to again in my life, and not feel bad about it. But with everyone else, I just turn the other cheek, and go another round. Why not, it's what was done for me, by quite a few people. I have learned alot over the last two years, and this is one of them. The act of forgiveness.

Hannah did so great tonight. She totally made me cry. I was just so proud, and thankful that I got to be there to witness the beginning of her stepping into her destiny.

( i know the pictures aren't perfect, but I was in the very back of a large dark auditorium :-)  )

Link

link for youth service tonight http://celebrationchurchtx.com/xl-livestream

More

More job hunting , more rejection letters. Took a break to take the girls to see Despicable Me. Cute movie.
Then i had to take Hannah to practice because she gets to lead worship in youth again tomorrow! She is so excited. There is a link to both the youth and the main church livecast on the celebrationchurchtx website. I'll post a link tomorrow if I remember when I'm on my laptop.
I hate liars. I hate sad movies with bad endings. I hate squash. I hate coffee. I hate mean people. I HATE LOOKING FOR A JOB!
But I LOVE the back massage I just got. Thanks babe.
My words of wisdom for some of you today:
You better check yo'self before you wreck yo'self.
Just sayin..
You know who you are
Sent from my iPhone

Spent the whole day sending out résumés again. Bah humbug. I think I'll start including my own rejection letters with the next batch I send out. Save everyone some time : /
Shot photos at the Christine Caine event tonight. Felt like old times. Only different. Even ran into my old friend Ronnie and got to chat for a few.
Things will never be the same as they once were. Time doesn't ever repeat itself. Longing for a past that's no longer there is futile. I just hope the future holds something that captures my passion and energy, and lights a new fire that burns even brighter than my old one. And when it happens, I just pray I don't screw it up again.

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People grow through experience if they meet life honestly and courageously. This is how character is built.

-Eleanor Roosevelt

Ummmm.. Yuck!

So if you know me, you know how much I love dresses. It is rare to find me in the spring or summer, not wearing one. Well yesterday I found this green silk Vera Wang at Buffalo for $18!!!!! Can u believe it? I just had to share with my fashionista friends. The rest of you, just ignore, nothing to see here.. :)