Hi Shileen

So last night after returning home alone from dinner with the Harris's, it was dark and just starting to storm, and I came in through the garage so I  went and unlocked the front door, thinking the children should be home soon. I hadn't been home a minute before someone is pounding on the door. Now at first I thought it was the kids but I didn't see headlights, and whoever was dropping them would have waited to see them inside, so I knew it couldn't be them. I went and got my 9mm out of the nightstand and started creeping towards the door. It was dark in the house and I was hoping they didn't look through the window to see me coming, but I peeked around the door through the glass and saw the backside of a very wet dark haired guy. I was so freaked out I didn't get a good look at who it was, I just ran back to the living room and waited. With my gun.  Hoping they didn't try the unlocked handle. Eventually I saw a dark suv drive away. Why didn't I just open the door?!? I had a gun, I could have defended myself. The mystery would have been solved! Now I am left to wonder who on earth was waiting for me to get home late at night in the middle of a thunderstorm?! If it is you, and you are reading this, please tell me! I hate unsolved mysteries...

So my friend Todd told me I need to take it down a notch with the heels. He says I'm tall enough at 6 feet, and all the heels i wear are just too much. I say, too bad, I'm doing it anyway. Cause I can.

I'm so tired but I can't sleep
Standin' on the edge of something much too deep
It's funny how we feel so much but we cannot say a word
Though we are screaming inside oh we can't be heard

..i love music..

1 Corinthians 10:13

¹³No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it.

You may be right, I may be crazy,
But it just may be a lunatic you're looking for..

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A thousand times I've seen you standing
Gravity like lunar landing
You make me want to run till' I find you
I shut the world away from here
I drift to you, you're all I hear
As everything we know fades to black

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Long crazy weird day. Josh is gone. Felt a bit surreal. Had a fabulous time with Heather tonight. I really needed to laugh. Made alot of new memories for today. Finished by kids calling us saying that not only did they want to be picked  up, but that we needed to bring towels when we did. Why, you may ask? Well because they were dripping wet, and covered in oatmeal. Of course. What good would any youth event be without a food fight?
I'm going to go attempt sleeping alone now, wish me luck.

I still can't believe it's been a year. It just feels like last month, I was standing there..

Isner won. Nice.
Last night on the hill was amazing. Felt like a change in season. Timing is great, with my year being up. God is good.
No word on the job front yet. Submitted more resumes today.
Now shopping with my eldest child before I lose them both for 2.5 days. Well, she's actually just walking beside me with her phone. She has been texting the same boy for 2 days straight. He's just a friend. A boy who apparently really likes texting?
My youngest is already at church, has been all day, well, all week for that matter. She's having a blast at internship. She has been chosen to be one of the singers for this festival they're attending. I'm so proud of her.
Date night tonight with Josh. Our last night before he leaves tomorrow :-(

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Watched the last bit of an incredible Wimbledon match... It's going on 9 hours and 58 minutes! and Isner and Mahut are still tied. Match is called for the night. How will they be able to get up and play tomorrow? They broke all kinds of records. The queen is actually coming tomorrow to watch.

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So proud of J, she's come a long way this week. Today we actually left neighborhood roads and she drove on Parmer, almost to Georgetown. She handled stoplights for the first time, and went 60 mph! Just a wee bit scary considering I'm not sure how she would have reacted had she needed to stop suddenly at that speed. A lesson for another day... with Dad :-)

Just found out Heather will be back Friday. So we're going out Friday night. Yay! 2 is always better than 1. Especially on weeks like this..

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So Josh is leaving for England on Friday. The kids will be at XL fest Friday and Saturday. My best friends? Not a single one of them will be in town. I will be alone. :-( Why is it a big deal?
It will be the one year 'anniversary'.

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waiting for my iphone software update to download...
So tonight I overheard Josh telling our friend the story of last year. Every time I hear it now it seems more and more surreal, like the further away it gets, the less real it seems. I didn't think I would survive this long, nor our marriage. I really lost all sanity last summer. I was on the brink of a major mental breakdown. I don't even remember alot of it, just a blur of counseling, suicidal thoughts, drugs, and being alone. I don't ever want to be there again. It was the worst few months of my entire life. My families' too. It is a true miracle of God that I am living and breathing today and I'm not on drugs, not alone, and am able to start over. My 'one year' is almost up, so I am about to be allowed back into serving at Celebration again. Not sure what I will do since missions isn't an option at the moment. Maybe go back to guest services or media, but I don't know, maybe something completely different..
I can't remember what else I was gonna say earlier, but if it comes to me later, I'll be sure and tell you.
This phone update is going to take hours, it looks like, so I'm going to bed. Goodnight

Weekend - Thailand boutique sale, fathers day shopping, lunches, dinners, movies, (A-Team!)(was awesome),
 Michael came over, swimming, and some other stuff  I can't recall, or don't want to, tonight our old friend James is coming over, haven't seen him in years, recently moved back. Josh is likely going on an emergency business trip tomorrow to England to save a client. Debated going with him, but it's just too pricey last minute. Plus it's in the middle of nowhere and he's gonna be super busy. I hate it when he's gone, I can't sleep here alone. I have to go shower, these mosquito bites are making me crazy, more later..

Sorry, was too busy to post yesterday. Went to the luncheon, for some reason unbeknownst to me, just felt I should go. Met a nice new lady that may turn out to be a friend, we shall see. But the message on the importance of real friendship really was upsetting. It's still a very fresh wound I suppose. Some of you so called friends are just plain hurtful. You say we are friends when asked, but you sure don't behave that way. Do you have any idea what I go through just to come say hello to you? It requires swallowing my pride and risking great injury. Time after time I do it. Do you ever? When was the last time you came to me?? Or invited me somewhere? This year has been humiliating for me, yet some of you people are continuing to make it worse. Either be my friend, or don't. A girl with a broken heart can only take so much.
My old bff, whom Josh has banned from my life, texted me after hearing the same message last night, and he was a bit ticked at me that she even knew my new number, not to mention that she was texting me. She obviously felt the same way after the message that I did.The whole thing is just depressing so lets move on..
Had a workout with my trainer, then had another dinner party for our favorite young men (aka, my girls adopted big brothers) then we all watched game 7. Boo Lakers.
I never heard back from the company that sounded interested, and they took the ad down, so I guess they hired someone. There are sooo many people looking for a job these days. I wish I could put my resume in video form, so I could talk to them and they could see my personality, as opposed to just ink on a page.
Back on the hunt..

Spent the morning downtown doing a paid focus group thing. Then had
lunch with Josh at Chuys. And even bettter?? I got a followup email on
a job today!!! It's not an interview yet, but at least they're
interested in me! It's an executive assistant position, and only about
10 hours a week, flexible hours. Maybe this is the one..

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I'm sad and lonely. Hannah is at internship, Jordan's at the pool with friends. I wanna go to the pool with friends... but don't have any (without a job or little ones.). Josh is at work. Grocery shopping is done. Bills are done. I could clean, but who wants to do that..
I NEED A JOB!!!!!! I could be paying off our huge bills right now if I were working... Why is it so difficult to find one????
Submitted Jordan's application for dual credit classes at ACC. Right after I really thought I was going to vomit. Not sure why, but part of me knew it was an end of an era, and the beginning of a new one. I guess it just hit me. As if driving, SAT prep and college visits weren't enough. I just don't feel old enough for this yet. I still feel like a college kid playing house.
Ordered some boxing/catcher mitts for Josh so I can box more frequently than I see my trainer. Love it. Love that he agreed to it :-)
We can't leave town until August when the internship and youth conference is over. Thinking about going to northern California. Road tripping. See the Grand Canyon on the way..
I'm so used to my iphone capitalizing and punctuating for me, that when I type on my desktop keyboard I have to keep backspacing to fix my errors. And funny enough when you hit the space bar twice, it just does 2 spaces! Instead of a period! I am spoiled. I have to have the iphone 4! The camera features rock. And switching between apps?! Yes.
Last night we played Risk for the first time as a family. Yikes. We are all too competitive for that game. It got out of control, especially once we wiped Josh off the board completely. Since the game never seems to end, after 3 hours, we conceded that Hannah got first and I got second. Cause she was definitely king of the world.
Hey, I just wasted 5 minutes! Now only 6 more hours until Josh gets home from work and practice :-(
Then we watch the Celtics (hopefully) win the Championship. Then no more basketball until next year. YAY!!

Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the wrong words seem to rhyme
Out of the doubt that fills my mind
I somehow find
You and I collide


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"you be the prince, and I'll be the princess.".

Yes. I am 100% girl. It has its share of downsides, and my poor little heart ,that is displayed for the whole world to see, has been broken more times than I can count, but still...I love being a woman.

'Strumming my pain with his fingers
Singin my life with his words
Killing me softly with his song' 


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'you took your suitcase, I took the blame'

I bought my hat 1.5 years ago in South Africa when they were building the stadiums. Watched the first game this morning. Not exciting. Tie game. I like number 4 and 9 on the Mexico team :-)

I am so tired, I feel like I've been drugged. These last few weeks have been crazy. Since when did summer become busier than the school year? Haven't even gone to the pool yet!
Back to the job hunt..

Go USA, Mexico, and South Africa!

Dinner with friends, grocery shopping with friends, lunch with
friends, long talks catching up with same friends, talks about college
visits and SAT's, church, dinner, clothes shopping with friends,
bathing suit shopping with friends, lunch with friends, bank, dry
cleaners, driving school visit, pharmacy, Barnes and Noble for SAT
book, brief job searching, and now workout with Mike.
That's what I've been doing since my last post.
:-)

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BFF love

About to go pick up our friends from Thailand at the airport. They are missionaries there, and they summer back here in the states. Their daughter Erin has been Jordans best friend for a long time. I think they met when they were in 4th grade and on a volleyball team together. They used to live here in our neighborhood then. They have stayed close over the years they have been gone, emailing etc.. nearly every day, during the school year, and then spending every summer together. She is like my 3rd daughter. They both plan to complete drivers ed and get their licenses this summer. Hannah, on the other hand, is spending most of her summer at church in the high school internship. My girls are growing up so fast..

I loved the iphone version so much I took a real one with my camera. Slightly different, but man, the colors..

Up. alone. again. Why am I the only night owl in this family? I hate going to bed, as much as I hate getting up in the morning. Maybe I don't like quitting on the day. Like you're giving up this day and you'll never get it back. What did I do with it? Anything important? I hate days that I didn't do anything of consequence for anyone. I merely existed and took up space and consumed resources today. I didn't contribute anything of value to my friends or family. Dude, this is going downhill fast, I better quit this nonsense and go to bed. Who slipped me the  pill of despair?... dang..

Been on the job hunt all day. Plus editing photos.
Tomorrow our friends from Thailand arrive. Excited to see them.
As you can tell I haven't been much in the blogging mood lately.

My iPhone photo of the day. These flowers are on my dining table. They
make me smile

Had a great night with some of our young musician friends. I love these guys so much. They're all single and great catches for any lady out there. I love cooking for them and just sitting around the table for hours just laughing and talking. I don't think I've laughed that much in well over a year. Good times..

Invictus

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds and shall find me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

A shoot gone awry

Painted part of the upstairs yesterday. Yes, I know, it's hard to believe there was still a wall unpainted in my house. Then last night Heather and I tried to go to first thursday downtown , but it was rained out, so we went shopping, had dinner, then went to see Sex and the City 2. Another late night. I feel so old and worn out.
Having my first dinner party in a long while, tomorrow night. Looking forward to that. Date night again tonight because kids are going to their usual friday night extravaganza.
My life is getting a bit predictable. I don't like that. I'm not one for routine and I am getting bored..

This is a weird night.
Church- Said goodbye to Brooke for 2 months. She's staying in
Indiana for the summer.
Saw Zac Mclendon (david's 16 year old son) who is here visiting for
2 weeks. That was.. hard to describe. Had to do a double take cause
he had grown so much. Gave him a hug and talked for a minute. Says he
really does not like Georgia..
Someone that volunteers in missions asked me tonight if I just quit
or got tired of it.. I said no, and asked if she really didn't know.
She didn't and since I had gone there I went ahead and told her about
the affair. She took it well. And was gracious in telling me I have
been handling myself quite well considering.
It was fairy tale night in youth so there were tons of kids dressed up
in costumes everywhere. They rented out a theatre to watch Shrek 4. So
we just dropped the kids off to go see that and we are now at Chuys
trying to kill 2 hours. It's raining cats and dogs and we just want to
go to bed.

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It's almost been one year

Just woke up about an hour ago. Totally wasted.
But now it is time to get this house in shape for summer guests. I miss entertaining. I used to have dinner parties and get togethers here several times a month. But for the last year we've kind of been in seclusion. I think that time is up. Our first guest arrives from Thailand in a little over a week, so gotta get busy.
I love to paint. Not a single wall downstairs has not had a dose of Shileen. There's blue, olive green, yellow gold, brown, khaki green, red, orange..so I think maybe it's the upstairs turn to hit with the brush. The only rooms up there I have personally hit are the girls rooms. I'm thinking I need to do the game room, the spare bedroom and the halls...
Man, I'm looking out my study window, and my trees need pruning again, and there are weeds in my pond flower bed, and the pond is very green.
My desk is a mess, I have papers under both arms as I type. My whole study is a disaster. They say a messy desk is the sign of a creative mind. I must be VVVEERRYYYY creative!
I need help. I am a horrible procrastinator. I am typing instead of getting busy. I could tell you a bunch of trip stories so I don't have to get up? No. Discipline woman. Get up. Type later. OK, BYE.