day 27

So ever since last week when I had this huge reminder of who God is and how we are here to serve Him, and not our happiness, I have been in the process of killing my SELF. Shileen as we knew her is gone. Dead. The perky, young naive idealist has left the planet. I have decided that my way only causes pain and suffering and disaster and destruction. So I quit. I let it all go and gave up. You know, the proverbial taking your hands off the wheel, only I went further than that and jumped out of the car and ran over myself.
Or so I thought.
You know how when your cup is full it only takes a little thing for it to run over?.. so there's a spot in out neighborhood where the speed limit changes from 40 to 30 and there was a cop right on the other side of that and of course i hadn't made it to 30 yet and got pulled over and received a ticket. I had to bite my tongue and say absolutely nothing to him because I thought if i opened my mouth i would end up in jail. I drove away and burst into tears. Clearly there is a little of self left. The fact that i am in pain(not because of the ticket) means there is still some self left. Apparently it's hard to kill your SELF without killing yourself. It's like there's a piece of my pride and a small piece of my heart struggling to hang on, and it won't let go. But I walk around in such a daze now that i think if you were to look me in the eye you wouldn't recognize me anymore.
When the dying to self part is done, I will only bring back the pieces of me that are useful to glorify God. He will have to raise up what he wants to. I'm not doing it.
He makes beauty from ashes and He will restore my soul.