So for the last week or so I have been living out just a fraction of what my husband and friends must have felt when my lies were discovered back in March. The anguishing betrayal, the pain, the rage, the hurt.. I guess it's only fitting that I would get to experience it too. "what goes around, comes around", "eye for an eye", etc..
All the little red flags that pop up, and you just blow them off, assuming the best about people. All the suspicions you were told were unfounded and brushed off. The little things that just never made sense.. Holes in stories that just didn't add up..
Only to discover the truth months later, and wanting to beat yourself up for not listening to those suspicions. The rage against the person who lied to you. Knowing the lies are continuing, only to someone else this time, and there's really nothing you can do about it. Revenge could consume your life. The embarrassment of everyone knowing you bought into it and believed it. Humiliation. Knowing I was too vulnerable.. Why would I expect a known liar to not lie to me?!
I really really believed it all. And almost lost my life because of it. That really scares me.
Why is the rage back today? It had turned into apathy over the weekend and I scarcely thought about it. But today I woke up and remembered another suspicion I had before, and I had the desire to try to go confirm it.. and that brought all these feelings to the front again. I could go confirm it right now if I wanted to. I know how and where. But it's just a ploy of Satan drawing me back in to it. He would rather me be consumed with hate, than to forget this person ever existed.
I realize you guys probably think my anger is hypocritical because of course I did this to my husband also. I'm not gonna argue with that one. It is what it is.
No comments:
Post a Comment