Shileen's Blog

I just found out that my best friend from my 'former life' became a grandma this weekend. If I weren't such a screw up I'd have been there with her.
R - if you still read this, first of all, congratulations! (I can't believe we're old enough for these things to start happening. )
Second - I'm sorry I'm not there with you celebrating this joyous occasion. It breaks my heart all over again.

When you commit a sin so great that you forever live with all the consequences it's really hard not to get down on yourself. Even being forgiven and loved again can't take away the long term consequences. I feel helpless that there's nothing I can do to change it either. No amount of good I do can undo the bad.
I miss being respected and trusted.
I miss having close friends. Seems these days, all the new ones keep disappearing. There's nothing like being known by someone, for a long time. I desire it again so much.
I miss being excited about my work.
I feel like I'm aging, but not progressing. It's a scary sensation.
And the worst part is, it's all my fault. No one but myself to blame. Do you have any idea how hard it is to convince yourself you're good? When all evidence is contrary?
If I can't convince myself, I have no hope. Why invest in the future of someone that's been labeled defective.

Sorry folks, just one of those days I suppose, when I remember what I've done