I have a new fave sandwich shop. Potbelly at the Arbor Walk. Love the skinny bread and oatmeal chocolate chip cookies. Yum.
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Welcome to my world
Friday, October 30, 2009
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
The open water
chills me to my bones,
but it's the only place that I feel alive.
The ocean floor
begins to disappear;
I sense that terrible depth.
The open water
is my only fear,
but I'll sail as long as I still have breath in me.
I'm starting to
believe the ocean's
much like you,
because it gives
and it takes away.
chills me to my bones,
but it's the only place that I feel alive.
The ocean floor
begins to disappear;
I sense that terrible depth.
The open water
is my only fear,
but I'll sail as long as I still have breath in me.
I'm starting to
believe the ocean's
much like you,
because it gives
and it takes away.
Monday, October 26, 2009
It has been said that I am acting as though nothing ever happened and am trying to move on too quickly. Well let me say that was a lifesaving measure. But no more.
You want to know my reality? It sucks. I have lost the trust of my family. They are justifiably hurt and angry with me. And I am failing miserably at making them feel any better.
The people at church just wish that I would go away. They haven't said so, but you can tell by their coldness towards me. (Not talking about joe, lori or karen) and to add to the alienation there, I am not able to even serve for at least 18 months.
I lost 3 of my best friends in this whole thing. I miss them so much it hurts. I feel isolated and alone. I don't think there is anyone on the planet that loves me without reasonable reservation or hesitation because I have hurt them. Except maybe my mom. Cause she has to. And josh is trying to, despite his pain.
Do u know how that feels? I caused all of it. Had I known where my choices were going to lead of course I wouldn't have made them. I had no idea it would all go down like this. Yes I was stupid and naïve. But I didn't set out on a course of destruction. My own heart led me astray; and I will live with that the rest of my life.
I'm sorry.
So go ahead and judge me, hate me, whatever you need to do. No one can hate me any more than I do.
I try to convince myself everyday to get out of bed and keep going even though most days I just don't see the point. I am a failure and a disappointment to everyone. That's reality.
(please, no comments)
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You want to know my reality? It sucks. I have lost the trust of my family. They are justifiably hurt and angry with me. And I am failing miserably at making them feel any better.
The people at church just wish that I would go away. They haven't said so, but you can tell by their coldness towards me. (Not talking about joe, lori or karen) and to add to the alienation there, I am not able to even serve for at least 18 months.
I lost 3 of my best friends in this whole thing. I miss them so much it hurts. I feel isolated and alone. I don't think there is anyone on the planet that loves me without reasonable reservation or hesitation because I have hurt them. Except maybe my mom. Cause she has to. And josh is trying to, despite his pain.
Do u know how that feels? I caused all of it. Had I known where my choices were going to lead of course I wouldn't have made them. I had no idea it would all go down like this. Yes I was stupid and naïve. But I didn't set out on a course of destruction. My own heart led me astray; and I will live with that the rest of my life.
I'm sorry.
So go ahead and judge me, hate me, whatever you need to do. No one can hate me any more than I do.
I try to convince myself everyday to get out of bed and keep going even though most days I just don't see the point. I am a failure and a disappointment to everyone. That's reality.
(please, no comments)
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Sunday, October 25, 2009
Saturday, October 24, 2009
Had a fabulous memorable night tonight. We had sooo much fun doing the scavenger hunt. It was flipin hilarious the stuff we had to do. Apparently the girls also had a blast on their team. Their video was a riot. Josh is gonna youtube both of them in the coming days. I will post a link when he does. Must sleep now. My whole body hurts from tonight..
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Friday, October 23, 2009
Thursday, October 22, 2009
Sick again. My boss Jamie warned me that I may catch a bunch of stuff this season since I've never worked retail. He may have been right.
I'm fine mom, its not swine flu. Just another cold.
Laying here discussing alternate universes versus alternative universes; and for what reason? Because we are on drugs.
I better go before I say something stupider while talking about Jupiter.
I'm fine mom, its not swine flu. Just another cold.
Laying here discussing alternate universes versus alternative universes; and for what reason? Because we are on drugs.
I better go before I say something stupider while talking about Jupiter.
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Wednesday, October 21, 2009
I told my husband that my nose won't stop running and instead of his usual better go catch it he said maybe its in a nose marathon. He made me laugh. Then he said I should show it the finish line. He's a funny guy; sometimes. Kind of in a had to be there, delirious, tired , sick kind of way.
Tomorrow morn I'm going to the Nordstrom north grand opening then to Cimarron for our small biz owners group lunch. Then work. Boo to that part..
And now, thanks to Elliot, I have Willie Nelson singing in my head "You are always on my mind..
You are always on my mind"
Tomorrow morn I'm going to the Nordstrom north grand opening then to Cimarron for our small biz owners group lunch. Then work. Boo to that part..
And now, thanks to Elliot, I have Willie Nelson singing in my head "You are always on my mind..
You are always on my mind"
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Tuesday, October 20, 2009
"Stuck on a, rollercoaster, can't get off this ride.."
"You've got what it takes to set me free"
"I just wanna fly
Put your arms around me baby
Put your arms around me baby"
Three songs in a row that said it for me this morning. I love words. I never feel like I have the right ones to express how I feel. So I get frustrated and don't try most of the time. I wish I was a poet or song writer. I have a lot of things I feel that I can't explain.
I really really don't want to go to work today. I'd rather go to the beach. Or go sailing. Or surfing. Or windsurfing. Or mountain climbing. In Switzerland. Or
New zealand.
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Saturday, October 17, 2009
Had a yummy steak dinner at Saltgrass then watched one of the worst movies ever made.
Tomorrow is the game and then Jens wedding. I am soo glad for saturday. No work!!!!!!!
I must admit though,my job makes for some great stories to tell every night. There are some crazies out there and they seem to like visiting Bank of America
:-)
Tomorrow is the game and then Jens wedding. I am soo glad for saturday. No work!!!!!!!
I must admit though,my job makes for some great stories to tell every night. There are some crazies out there and they seem to like visiting Bank of America
:-)
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Friday, October 16, 2009
So my incredible children showed their greatness once again. Hannah landed the leading role in this years play! Its a musical so she gets to sing some solos! Jordan got the lead villain role that she wanted. Soooo proud of them!
And also my little Hannah, who fainted more times than I can count growing up, has had to deal with getting her blood drawn twice in the last few weeks for some medical problems she's been having and has been so incredibly brave and strong. Not only does she not faint anymore, but she is also just calm and peaceful. God has brought her so far! I am amazed at who she is becoming. Not just in this area either. She has amazing gifts and talents and she has only just begun to reveal them. Jordan is about to turn 16 and we are planning a video scavenger hunt for her and her friends for her party. Can't believe how grown up she is. She is so beautiful and perfect. I am soo blessed with these girls. Don't know how they turned out so well. It wasn't my doing, that's for sure..
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And also my little Hannah, who fainted more times than I can count growing up, has had to deal with getting her blood drawn twice in the last few weeks for some medical problems she's been having and has been so incredibly brave and strong. Not only does she not faint anymore, but she is also just calm and peaceful. God has brought her so far! I am amazed at who she is becoming. Not just in this area either. She has amazing gifts and talents and she has only just begun to reveal them. Jordan is about to turn 16 and we are planning a video scavenger hunt for her and her friends for her party. Can't believe how grown up she is. She is so beautiful and perfect. I am soo blessed with these girls. Don't know how they turned out so well. It wasn't my doing, that's for sure..
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Wednesday, October 14, 2009
yes, I'm alive.
Rusty Domingue stopped by church tonight. He was in town seeing his neck doctor. It was sooo good to see him. I miss that guy.
It's so hard to leave your past behind when everytime you turn around there's another reminder of it. I find it hard to believe that I will ever feel at home and comfortable at my church again. It's just not the same anymore. Some people just flat out ignore me. Others just walk the other way. And I miss my old friends. I hardly talk to anyone there anymore. I used to breeze through those halls with a smile and hello for everyone. That was a long time ago.
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Rusty Domingue stopped by church tonight. He was in town seeing his neck doctor. It was sooo good to see him. I miss that guy.
It's so hard to leave your past behind when everytime you turn around there's another reminder of it. I find it hard to believe that I will ever feel at home and comfortable at my church again. It's just not the same anymore. Some people just flat out ignore me. Others just walk the other way. And I miss my old friends. I hardly talk to anyone there anymore. I used to breeze through those halls with a smile and hello for everyone. That was a long time ago.
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Saturday, October 10, 2009
Thursday, October 08, 2009
Now the newness has worn off and I've learned the ropes. My mind is disengaging and is seeking new challenges or at least something more to occupy it. The bank has officially turned into a job. Boo. Thought it would take longer.
Have gotten the feeling lately that doom or gloom is on the horizon for me. Don't know why or what or how, but can't shake the feeling. Praying against it, but my faith seems to be lacking.
I'm tired. Not just physically.
Just keep swimming..and swimming...
Have gotten the feeling lately that doom or gloom is on the horizon for me. Don't know why or what or how, but can't shake the feeling. Praying against it, but my faith seems to be lacking.
I'm tired. Not just physically.
Just keep swimming..and swimming...
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Wednesday, October 07, 2009
So I have to go straight to church from work on wednesdays so I don't change clothes. Two people told me I was dressed like a banker. :-) Guess I'm playing the part well. No one yelled at me today. Only whining and complaining. And I balanced again. Two points for me! Already setting my sights on my next career move, (after I do my time here of course).
Church prayed for the Romania missions team tonight. Made me cry. I should be going with them on Sunday, but no, I was a weak idiot and threw it all away for a guy who has probably forgotten my name by now. Candidate for a Darwin award, anyone?!
Working out with Nancy tomorrow before lunch at her gym. She's been wanting me to switch. We'll see how it goes, I'm not completely devoted to the Y, and hers is 24 hours.
Sleeping pill is.. starting.. to.. work.. Zzzzzzzzzzzzz..
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Tuesday, October 06, 2009
So I am pretty much done with training. 3 weeks later. They issued me my money today and let me at it. If u want to come visit me in the drive thru I will be working most week days from 2:30 to 6:00/6:30 ish, unless I have to work that saturday, in which case I have a random day off during the week. Bank of America at 1431 and Parmer. If u don't bank there just drive thru and wave!
One of my managers already called me ADD. As in "hey ADD, get over here..". I've been found out. But hey, I balanced at the end of my first day, so at least I'm good at being a scatter brain. I know they like me. I can tell.
One of my managers already called me ADD. As in "hey ADD, get over here..". I've been found out. But hey, I balanced at the end of my first day, so at least I'm good at being a scatter brain. I know they like me. I can tell.
On another note Josh said that I'm unforgettable. He has been proven wrong. .
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Monday, October 05, 2009
So i brought home two red things from this weekend. No, not crabs.
A cool pair of patent red Born shoes and a mighty fine sunburn. Josh was so kind to lather my back side in lotion last night as I lay on the bed, then let the fan cool me down a few degrees. Slept that way most of the night. Ouch. I slept for 11 hours. I think I was a wee bit sleep deprived..
Sunday, October 04, 2009
Driving home and we aren't on the road 10 minutes before it starts raining. We had perfect sunny weather the whole time we were there. Very nice :-). I am totally sunburned. My face and back are putting off enough heat to launch a rocket.
Listening to Journey. Waiting for the girls to get their coffee so we can roll again.
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Listening to Journey. Waiting for the girls to get their coffee so we can roll again.
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Saturday, October 03, 2009
Friday, October 02, 2009
Thursday, October 01, 2009
dream
So I had some really strange vivid dreams last night. one had to do with rabbits. One was pretty long and intricate and I will try to shorten it up a bit for you. I was flying to somewhere that looked like Egypt and we were allowed to use our cell phones on the flight so everyone was excited and I promptly grabbed mine to finally return Amys phone call. (hi amy) then it was time to take some photos of the plane in the sunset so i magically floated down below the plain in midair and took some shots of the sun behind the plane. really pretty. then when we landed in this field where my daughter and several hundred friends greeted me. she said "Mom, i grilled some burgers, want one?" granted this is somewhere that looks like Egypt and they didn't look like burgers, so i took the chicken that was next to it. Then all this fuss was going on in the "town" square so i ran over and they were trying to break into my building. So i scared them all off then went inside an adjacent building where all of a sudden i was holding a broken 20x20 or so banner. Then a yacht captain came out of a marine store and said "well you must not have assembled it correctly, and I argued until the bad guys came in to the store and I snuck out into a tunnel to get to my building where they followed me and were trying to break in. All my fighters were trying to keep them back while I did all the locks and tricks to get in. Then they would slam the doors on their faces. They were an angry mob (like old times)(very dated dream), then i felt guilty for not letting them in and everyone said no they can't come in, but then once we were in we found a child had passed out from not being able to get out. I was mad. Then everyone went to another part of the building with him and I went to this room and opened a window to the square(kind of like a concession stand window) and everyone stopped outside and watched me. No one tried to attack they just froze and watched as I lifted this old rusted mr potato head or robot head thing up and put it on the counter and it began to speak random wisdom. everyone came and sat down in this theater style seating that appeared in front of me and watched transfixed by this head that was teaching them about life.
short version.
i have vivid weird dreams frequently.
must run a few errands before work, gtg
short version.
i have vivid weird dreams frequently.
must run a few errands before work, gtg
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