It has been said that I am acting as though nothing ever happened and am trying to move on too quickly. Well let me say that was a lifesaving measure. But no more.
You want to know my reality? It sucks. I have lost the trust of my family. They are justifiably hurt and angry with me. And I am failing miserably at making them feel any better.
The people at church just wish that I would go away. They haven't said so, but you can tell by their coldness towards me. (Not talking about joe, lori or karen) and to add to the alienation there, I am not able to even serve for at least 18 months.
I lost 3 of my best friends in this whole thing. I miss them so much it hurts. I feel isolated and alone. I don't think there is anyone on the planet that loves me without reasonable reservation or hesitation because I have hurt them. Except maybe my mom. Cause she has to. And josh is trying to, despite his pain.
Do u know how that feels? I caused all of it. Had I known where my choices were going to lead of course I wouldn't have made them. I had no idea it would all go down like this. Yes I was stupid and naïve. But I didn't set out on a course of destruction. My own heart led me astray; and I will live with that the rest of my life.
I'm sorry.
So go ahead and judge me, hate me, whatever you need to do. No one can hate me any more than I do.
I try to convince myself everyday to get out of bed and keep going even though most days I just don't see the point. I am a failure and a disappointment to everyone. That's reality.
(please, no comments)
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Welcome to my world
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