Shileen's Blog

So the kids have disappeared, Josh and Chase are working on a guitar, and I am fighting to stay awake. Sundays are tiring, but when I take a nap, I can't get to sleep that night. I'm sitting on my bed with my laptop, and my pillow is calling out to me, taunting me to set down my laptop and close my weary eyes. But I will not succumb!!
I recently started a secret, pen name blog. You won't find it, so don't bother trying to look for it. My name isn't attached to it anywhere. You would have to know me REALLY well to find it. And don't ask, cause I won't tell you where it is either. This blog here has so many unknown(to me) readers that I do feel like I have to be very careful what is said. I will continue this blog here as my main blog, and the other is just bonus material for those who know me well enough to find it.
I want to always be an encouragement and a testimony to our loving, faithful God. He has rescued me from myself and redeemed me more times than I wish to remember. He has always come after me, no matter the depth of hell that I've gone to. He never let me go. And I want everyone here to see my full walk, from hell, to not just redemption, but to 100 fold blessing from where I started. I want my life to be a miraculous wonder, so that those caught in the pit of hell, can see first hand, that there is redemption. There is life after a royal failure. I have always been honest, and been an open book with you all. My affair shattered me and humbled me, and I am all about sharing my story.  However, I have graduated to the place of not always disclosing it right away anymore. Where as a year ago, I felt that every new conversation had to have a disclaimer attached, like , yeah, you can talk to me, but be warned, I was just awarded the scarlet 'A', so you may not want to risk an association. And now, I have met new people, that have no clue. And they may never. Unless we get to the point in our relationship where either the testimony is useful, or it's just the right time. Alot has changed over this year in that regard. But I will never be ashamed to tell my story or answer questions. You can always approach me and ask anything you want. I have learned alot, and would love to share my experiences.

I miss my old friends, I really do, but I don't know if they'd even recognize me anymore if they sat down to talk to me. I am not the same. I have forgotten how to be bold, and fearless.
I don't want to be seen anymore. I just want to disappear.  I'm content to just lurk in the shadows and just get by. Dreaming has been replaced with mere survival. How's that for truth for you? I obviously still have a long way to go in this process. Unless part of the reason for this whole season was to change part of my personality. Maybe in that case, I'm there! But I'm so bored with my current self, I wouldn't even be reading my own blog anymore.. I'm very surprised to see that you all are still here!
I really felt like I took a step out towards what I wanted, and then screwed it up so bad, that I will never try again. I don't ever want to feel that kind of pain again. I almost didn't make it. I just want to stick my head in the sand and hurry up and finish out this life. I had my shot, and I missed. Sucks to be me. Hmm. So there. Yeah, not so fast Satan. Maybe I'm like the energizer bunny. Yep, it keeps going, and going, and going..   They may say no, I say it's just a matter of time. I can outlast you. Who would have put money on me still being here, this time last year? Not many I'd bet. But I keep showing up, week after week, don't I? I'm not like the rest who disappear without a trace. I would have made a terrible spy, huh?
Yeah, I'm talking in circles and confusing the tar out of you, and you may be thinking, hmm, which one is she??  Yeah I'm both. Depends on the day, or even the hour ;) I'm a woman, that's how it goes.
But guess what?! You've kept me up another half hour... so thanks!!
:)