Job is over

So today I got an email stating that Austin was going to be considered finished on Friday. And we needed to wrap it up this week and ship our gear back at the end of the week. Wow. That was kind of a shock considering it was supposed to be 4-6 months, and it's only been 2. I was upset for a moment until I realized I get to spend my birthday, and the holidays, home with my family. :)
Money will be tight and I will have to get another job in January, but I get to enjoy the holidays. And for that I am very grateful.
God is good, all the time.

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When God told Adam and Eve not to eat the fruit, it was totally a test to see if they would be obedient. A test He knew they would fail. But why? God sets up the laws and rules for our good. But there are tons of people like me who think they know better. How are we made to be so arrogant? What made/makes me think I can get away with anything? Sure I was/am forgiven. But the consequences we live out everyday are what kills us. He knows the pain and the toll it takes on our lives, to live against His word. Which is why He cautions us against it. It's like when you tell your toddler not to touch the stove cause it's hot, but he touches it anyway and is burned. We as a parent aren't mad at him, we mourn for the pain he is in and wishes he would have just been obedient in the first place so he wouldn't be in this situation.
But we have been failing this test since day 1 in the garden. How do we have any hope of conquering it? No one has succeeded but Jesus. So then is every day just a sliding scale of how badly we screw up? Why is playing by the rules so incredibly difficult for some of us? It seems to go against our very nature of a created being.
I meet people all the time who are content where they are and actually Desire to be told what to do and what the rules are. It simply boggles my mind. I can't even comprehend their attitude. Is our DNA really that different?
Don't get me wrong, I have become a very humbled and submitted woman over the last year and a half. I've screwed up royally and have handed over the reigns. But someday I may get them back and what if my old, rebellious nature returns? What happens on the day that I'm not feeling like pond scum? When I get some self esteem back? When my boldness and confidence returns? When I have forgiven myself? If that day ever comes, what then?
Will I be a new creation? Will I have learned to not 'touch the stove' because He says so?
I have to believe that I will.
( just to clarify - I will NEVER do what I did, again. I am mainly referring to day to day obedience and attitude adjustments. ) (I may be an idiot, but I'm not incapable of learning from my mistakes)
:)

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This Thanksgiving weekend was one of my favorites. Quality time is one of my love languages, and I got to spend lots of time with my family. A close second was the year we took off with our much younger girls and ran away from Thanksgiving and headed to the hills; of Arkansas. Our families weren't pleased but Josh and I made some lasting memories as a young family. We even got chased across the state by a tornado.

I really don't care much about the food involved in this holiday, but I love having an excuse for a big ole dinner party :) And having 5 days off in a row wasn't too shabby either. I've always taken that part for granted.
I start easing back into the photog life tomorrow by running production cameras in 2 of the services. I am actually running camera 1 in the main auditorium during the 5 o'clock service. Never done that.
Josh is already snoring. It amazes me how fast he can fall asleep. Takes me forever.
I figured out how to make 3 new things this weekend. . Pumpkin spice bread, cream turkey, and carrot cake. And according to the consumers, and myself, they were absolutely wonderful. Josh said the carrot cake was one of the best he's ever had. (that's his favorite cake) I'm pretty proud of myself for being so domestic :)
Who'd have guessed I had it in me?

The girls and I went shopping today and came across some killer deals on some clothes for them. And we didn't even have to get up pre dawn!
Josh built guitar amps all day.

Yesterday, as you know, Josh and I went to San Antonio for the Spurs game. Well the girls stayed home and their 'big brothers' came over to hang out and watch the game on tv with them! The girls were so excited to have them over while we were gone and those boys earned some serious brownie points with me. Thank you Michael, Chase and Chris. You guys are the best of the best.
We love on these guys, and try to pour into their lives, and times like these, we get to see the fruit. :)
Well, enough of my blog rambling, I'm going to bed. GN

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Happy Birthday to the best husband in the world!

I hope you had fun today. I enjoyed going to the Spurs game with you tonight :)

 

Thanksgiving lunch was fabulous. It was so good to have my aunt, uncle and cousin over, who I haven't seen in several years. For the reason of purely having family get togethers, I wish there were more Thanksgiving type holidays throughout the year. I love this picture. It makes me happy.

Michael is home for Thanksgiving. We've got one more happy girl there in the middle watching the Spurs game :)

You know how when your seatbelt locks you in, for some reason or another and you buck and twist wildly to get out of it, only it doesn't release you until you calm down and be still? Yeah. I love that. It happened to me this morning. And it reminded me of how I've been held so tightly these last 18 months. I have felt safe, and secure, and loved. I have been fought for. I have been held together when I wasn't coherent enough to know what was best for me. And honestly, once I settled down and the grip slowly loosened, I kinda missed that secure feeling.
Yeah, I love my seatbelt.

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Sitting in between two male guitar players watching the Spurs/Magic game. You'd think they were the coaches. Pretty stinkin funny listening to them yell at the tv. Their commentating is the reason I'm up here. Pure entertainment.

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So I'm having 18 family members over for Thanksgiving. Josh and I just spent 18 minutes arguing about how big a turkey we needed at HEB. We kissed for 18 seconds afterwards to make up. (Ok, so the last two 18's are fictitious), (only in number though). We ended up buying a large turkey, and another large turkey breast and a small ham. Hopefully it's enough meat. I'm currently trying out a recipe for pumpkin spice bread, and I must say my house smells delicious. I do wish I didn't have to work Monday and Tuesday so I could stay home and play.
For the first time in like forever, I didn't make it to Junior Leagues Christmas Affair this week. That's a bummer. I love getting a jump on my shopping at that event. As of now, I have bought.. nothing. Too busy with birthdays and Thanksgiving. Josh's is Friday. I'm taking him to the Spurs/Mavericks game Friday night.., that should be fun. This is my favorite time of year. I know, it's most peoples too. But we also get all 4 of our birthdays in the 2 months before Christmas; so that makes it extra special. Birthdays are a big deal around here. The birthday boy/girl gets to pick what we do all day long; including where to eat every meal. Plus, lots of presents and cakes, and parties (sometimes). It's always a fun day for all of us. I love that about our family.
Gotta go cook dinner...

At Nana & Papas

Happy 14th Birthday to my beautiful baby girl Hannah!

I think I'm finally adjusting to this working full time business. I quit throwing tantrums and just dug in and tried to find the good in it. Plus it has gotten easier, either that or I'm just getting better. I've gotten used to less sleep, less time, and more stress. And I kinda actually almost like my job this week. I've met some amazing people. Today I met a guy from New Zealand with the most beautiful accent. He told me stories of being shot at in Mozambique. Another man, this one Pakistani, offered to be my boyfriend and travel with me, and I met a wonderful restaurant owner who now feels like a family friend; we've already had two meals together! (the 2nd one was with Josh, don't worry) Plus, I get to be out enjoying the beautiful weather, as opposed to inside in some office. I don't have a boss crawling down my neck.. (I don't even think I have a boss, now that I think about it, at least not one I've ever met..) And, the best part? - every day is different.
Maybe God actually does know what I need, even when I don't. Yeah, He's amazing like that.

"Don't retreat, reload!" - Sarah Palin

I love that quote. It is oh so applicable in soo many areas. The first time I heard it, I was like, Yes! That is truth, plain and simple.

Today was a good day. I'm ahead at work, I'm still in my favorite neighborhood, Josh came down to have lunch with me, then I got to spend the evening with my fabulous first born. Only thing missing today was my Hannah, but she was real busy with school and then music rehearsal, so it's all good.
I'm having lots of family over for Thanksgiving, my biggest group yet. Anyone have any stellar recipes for spectacular sides? Or how about a recipe for pumpkin spice bread? I've been wanting to make some..

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Ok, I just read that last post And it sounded like a whiny, spoiled, pity party throwing brat. That was not my intent, I'm sorry.
I am incredibly thankful for my wonderful family, and my job, and my church, and our wonderful loving God who has already forgiven every mistake I will ever make. And chooses to love me anyway. And may even have plans for me that I can't even fathom yet. I am a grateful, humbled woman.
You guys all have a blessed day, and really live today. It's the only November 15, 2010 you'll ever have.
Make an impact, no matter how small it may seem to you. It's contagious

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Yes, I've slacked on updating the last few days, been really busy. Tis the season. I'll try to do better.
I haven't had lunch or dinner or anything with ANY of my friends since I started this job. If I keep this up I won't even have any left when I'm done. When you're retreating from social interaction, that's a really bad sign of emotional un-health. I don't even know if that's a word. But you get my drift. I'm depressed. And I'm not taking anyone with me. I wish so badly I could shake this. I just don't know how..
On Sunday, during the sermon on grace, one of our counseling pastors leaned over and whispered that this one was for me. It was about being a favored hero after massive sin. It is all because of grace. While I don't doubt the truthfullness of the story or her gesture, I do doubt the reality as it pertains to me. At least as long as I'm here. It would be quite another story if I were to move and start fresh. Even then I, myself, would probably be the obstacle. Despite numerous attempts, I just don't know that I will ever forgive myself. I feel like I need to be supermom and superwife for the rest of my days to even attempt to make up for failing my family. And that, along with working full time to help provide for the family, is taking up all of my time. The thought of actually doing anything with my life outside of those duties is just outside my vision and ability right now.

I have disqualified myself from saving the world. Someone else is gonna have to do it.

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Got a new zipcode today :)
In Tarrytown, and loving it !

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Update: I'm at home while they work this out. Got the rest of the day off :)

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So the way we shoot these businesses, is kinda like in zones. And we can't move to the next one until this one is done. Well since I finished quickly I was assigned to go do this particularly bad section of East Austin that no one had done yet. Yesterday afternoon I did a preliminary drive thru to check it out, then went back this morning. I wasn't there half an hour before I was in tears. Scared. I stop my car to check my map, and I'm approached. Don't know what they were selling, but I didn't want any. And the place they wanted me to start with had drug dealers or gang members on every corner. Right. And I'm supposed to wave around this expensive camera equipment on a tripod and NOT get hassled? I think not. I even saw a prostitute! In the middle of the day! There are people just roaming the streets, watching my every move. So I refused the zipcode and left. If they fire me it's their loss. My stats are superb according to my lead. But there's just no reason to put myself in harms way to shoot these places. I mean, I know I could die on the west side just like the young man who was hit by a car and killed while putting out church signs on Sunday morning. I mean I work in traffic every day. It's a risk. But why on earth would I willingly triple my risk and go against my instinct to not stop my car? They're currently discussing my situation in California while I calm myself down and take an extra long lunch.
I'll let you know what happens.
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p.s. Just found this , the murder took place a few miles south of where I was ..

http://www.news8austin.com/content/top_stories/275108/victim-fatally-shot-near-bus-stop-in-east-austin
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'Spend all your time waiting
For that second chance
For a break that would make it okay
There's always some reason
To feel not good enough
And it's hard at the end of the day
I need some distraction
Oh beautiful release
Memory seeps from my veins
Let me be empty
Oh, and weightless and maybe
I'll find some peace tonight'

Well, I found a way to decrease productivity! Right after I typed that, I was shooting a business and the parking lot was not level and my ankle turned and I fell and landed on my knee, and my hand and hip. Tore up my pants and shoes, and my knee. But I saved the gear this time! I hobbled through that shoot after cleaning up the blood, then went to HEB for first aid supplies then finished up the rest of my shoots before calling it quits for the day.
I am such a freakin klutz..

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Laying down in my office, (aka, my car) trying to rest my back for a minute. I think I must have hurt it because I am in horrible pain.
Good news is, it's Friday! And I have worked my way closer to home. I am currently next to the Domain. I've come a long way since Bee Caves. Of course that also means this job isn't going to last as long as I thought it was. I'm too efficient. I'm trying hard to be less efficient, but it's just not in me. Maybe laying down for ten minutes between every shoot to rest my back will help decrease productivity.
Ha. I joke. Kinda.

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Today started off pretty great. I called in sick because 1. I wasn't feeling well, 2. the weather, and 3. I had alot I needed to get done. So after sleeping late, running all my errands, and making chili for dinner in the crockpot.. it seemed like it was going to be a really great day. Until I found out my mom has stage 4 renal failure and has to get on the transplant list. I feel certain she will get a kidney (or 2), because she is young, and she did nothing to cause this. But I would like it to be quick. So please join me in prayer for a high placement on the list, and a donor.
Thanks guys. And gals.

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So René just called to find out when this gig is up cause she needed me to go to Yuma to shoot a plane. I soo wanted to go, that would have been so much more fun. I miss those days where I could just say yes and go.
But no, I get to stay here where there was a double murder this morning on the street I'm shooting on and then eat lunch alone, and now it looks as though storms are rolling in. Oh goodie. My first 2 panoramic shots of each business are outdoors. And the gear can't get wet. I love my job!

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We had a good time at the Allens Halloween party last night. We go every year to help out. Met a new intern, who is really cute, right Jordan?? I think she spent most of the evening hanging out with him.
 Then, as if we weren't tired enough, we had Chase over to watch the World Series game. He is a great young man. He is our new adopted son, since we lost Michael to Baylor. He comes over alot and watches sports and builds things with Josh. He's coming over again tonight for dinner and game 5.
Work is mostly boring, which is why I don't talk about it much. And it pretty much is boring me to death. If that really is possible.
Jordan is in a competition of sorts with a different friendboy named Collin. Who can get their license first? My money is on him, just cause he's practiced parallel parking and J hasn't yet. We're down to just a couple more weeks of drive time. He went ice skating with Jordan and some of her best girlfriends the other night. He is always the only boy around when it comes to Jordan. He's another great kid.

 

                                                                                 Next on the birthday list is the always cool, and talented, Miss Hannah...then Josh, then me, then Christmas :) 

Fall is my favorite time of year

I am completely addicted to smoothies.
There are worse things.