I haven't had lunch or dinner or anything with ANY of my friends since I started this job. If I keep this up I won't even have any left when I'm done. When you're retreating from social interaction, that's a really bad sign of emotional un-health. I don't even know if that's a word. But you get my drift. I'm depressed. And I'm not taking anyone with me. I wish so badly I could shake this. I just don't know how..
On Sunday, during the sermon on grace, one of our counseling pastors leaned over and whispered that this one was for me. It was about being a favored hero after massive sin. It is all because of grace. While I don't doubt the truthfullness of the story or her gesture, I do doubt the reality as it pertains to me. At least as long as I'm here. It would be quite another story if I were to move and start fresh. Even then I, myself, would probably be the obstacle. Despite numerous attempts, I just don't know that I will ever forgive myself. I feel like I need to be supermom and superwife for the rest of my days to even attempt to make up for failing my family. And that, along with working full time to help provide for the family, is taking up all of my time. The thought of actually doing anything with my life outside of those duties is just outside my vision and ability right now.
I have disqualified myself from saving the world. Someone else is gonna have to do it.
Sent from my iPhone
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