Shileen's Blog

I have to admit, the constant stream of pictures and videos coming out of Africa today has been difficult. Our pastors are there for the grand opening of our church in Xai Xai. Don't get me wrong, I'm thrilled it's finally happened, I just wish I was there. It is of some comfort that I got to be there for the beginning of the process, but I've been beating myself up pretty bad that I screwed up and didn't get to finish it. Oh how I wish I could go back and have a talk with my old self. What a discussion that would be.. Actually, a rational discussion probably wouldn't work, I'd probably have to beat her up, then lock her away and let the future me do the job right. She wasn't a rational being.
Anyways... While I'm sad, I'm also happy; a dream will come to pass this Sunday. Despite myself.
And then some time will pass and something else will replace that dream and vision. Something else God breathed, and it will be just as cool. And God willing, I will be able to accomplish it this time. I'll be ready, and more grounded in reality. Josh was telling me tonight that most note worthy men and women of God walk through a massive failure of their own making, before they ever do anything great.  I think maybe God allows it to humble us and knock us off our own pride pedestals. And maybe to realize that we're just not capable of doing it right ourselves. We need Him. Not just as a copilot, but as our complete guide. Like, I am not moving one foot in that direction, unless you are behind me, pushing me, kind of guide.. Yeah, that's what it's gonna take to get me going in missions again. I am just not interested if it is my own fleshly desires drawing me back. An open door won't draw me. Maybe an open door, the house is on fire, and Jesus himself is behind me kicking me in the butt. That might be what it takes.
Who knows, maybe I won't ever do that again. Maybe I'll get an 8-5 desk job and never leave the country again. I highly doubt it, but you never know. Eagles wings can be clipped. I just don't believe God would design me the way he did, knowing of my failure, and not give me a second chance. That's not my God. There are plenty of women out there who are content to stay home and never set foot in impoverished countries. They thrive in the suburbs! If I were meant for that, he wouldn't have given me this unsettled spirit. I'm not a maintainer, I'm a dreamer, a visionary. I see the world the way it ought to be, and I want to make it that way. Especially in Africa, it has captured my heart.
 I have seen how my personality can self destruct, and the limits it has, and now I know the areas of my weakness. And God has given me my helper, in my husband. He knows me, he knows my limits and he is my grounder. My reality. I won't rebel against him next time around, I've learned the hard way that I need him to succeed. He really is my other half.

Wow, what the heck was all this?!? Didn't intend for a long, self pep talk, guess I needed to express myself..
oh well, goodnight world, and all who dwell in it